AFRICANS, STOP STIGMATIZING UNMARRIED LADIES
Published Sep 11, 2017
Updated Jun 13, 2024
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Some years ago, a friend of mine brought another friend to stay in my room at the school hostel without prior notice. While telling me about her friend, she insisted on the fact that “she is married” as though it made her some sort of champion that we all needed to make way for. In African societies, a woman who reaches a certain age without some form of attachment to a man is considered unfortunate.
If Africans were to rewrite the first verses of 1st Corinthians 13 in the Bible for women, it would probably read something like this:
1. If I can speak 10 different languages and I am gifted with eloquence, yet I have no husband, I am nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
2. If I speak and inspire people all over and change lives and acquire a huge mansion yet I have no husband, I am nothing.
3. If I do charitable works and work so hard to make it in life but I have no husband, I’ve gotten no where. So no matter how much I achieve, I am bankrupt and pitiable without a husband…
Instead of carrying on with the beautiful things life has to offer, some women languish in self-pity because they are ‘husbandless’. It’s like having a husband is everything. It is what defines them. It is what they live for. It is what they try to get against all odds.
This is a cancer that has eaten deep into our society and we need to cure it. This cure starts with YOU. You that insults the single lady and labels her with names. You that accuses her of being insufficient because she has no man. You that keeps comparing her with others, saying, “all your mates are married.” You that pushes her till she wants to wear the Mrs. shoe even when she hasn’t found her size. You need to stop.
You that flaunt your husbands and brag about them not because you are appreciative but because you are using that as a bridge to insult the single lady. You that suddenly stops calling that friend because you are married and she isn’t. You need to to stop.
You the single lady needs to stop too. Yes, you need to take a deep breath, look deep within and value yourself. Regain that self-esteem, which you lost because you didn’t get a husband when you thought you should have gotten one. Stop hanging on men and swallowing their bullshit just because you want them to wife you. You deserve better. You need to stop.
Unfortunately, many ladies (married and single) continue to live under the shadows of men.
Woman, you are special. You have a life to live and even when you share that life with someone, always remember who you are. Marriage is not everything. It is not a must-do. Paul in the Bible wasn’t married yet his writings have blessed us in many ways. You don’t need a man to validate you.
I’m all for marriage. However, I am against society shunning the unmarried as though they are diseased or something. Let’s focus finding and accomplishing our purpose in life, married or not.
First published in my journal at Worldpulse.com.
I think it is important to make peace with your own process. So, I’m currently single and patiently waiting for the person who embodies everything I require in a life partner. I am not going to settle for less…
Amen! Don’t settle for less, dear. Don’t settle for the stable when you were made for the castle.
I thoroughly enjoyed your blog. I also watch your YouTube cooking channel. You’re doing it oh my sister. Big ups to you and keep it coming!!
Awww thanks so much, sis! God bless.
Precious, long time no reading posts from here. I sincerely love this article, it’s like you mirrored my thoughts on this topic. In African society, for the single ladies, it’s get married or die of condemnation by the society. I wonder when we Africans will bury this mindset. Thank you for speaking out, Precious. My love to the girls.
http://dominikagoodness.blogspot.com.ng
Thank you darling. I’ve missed you.
Thank you Precious. It’s high time people start talking about this. One time years back we recommended a friend for a full masters scholarship. She turned down the opportunity her excuses were….” I will only further my education when I get married” , she was afraid she might not find a husband later and no man will want a woman who is too educated. It’s just unbelievable how much importance is attached to being married in our society. My friend if you are reading this and you are in this shoe please put more efforts in making a career for yourself . Find your purpose in this life…. if marriage comes it might be a plus if not life goes on. Don’t envy those who are married you have no idea what some of them are going through.
Amen! It is sad how someone will stop the advancement of her life because she is trying to conform to societal standards for marriage. So sad! Like you said, enjoy life then if marriage comes along, it is a beautiful addition. If not, keep enjoying life. Thanks so much for sharing, Awa!
Really Precious your words go so deep. It’s such a shame to see what some of our sisters go through all in the name of marriage because they have been pushed around by family, friends and society. I wish they could learn to love themselves first. I hope they could be taught that what matters is “themselves” and nothing else. I wish they could learn not to live their lives through the eyes or thoughts of others. As you rightfully said, it all starts by one person “YOU”, ME
Thank you, Marvis! We can only do for one what we can do for all.
Getting married due to overwhelming pressure from yourself, family or friends is just not okay. That sets the foundation for marital crisis. Like you said, it is important to love yourself first. When you love and enjoy your life alone, joining it to someone is amazing.
Thank you
You are welcome, dear.
"… a God given husband is a priceless gift!" I couldn't have said it better. Thanks for stopping by, Leila!
hahaha
this is a great piece!
a husband at all cost because of what people are going to think about you? No way, marriage is honourable true but a God given husband is a priceless gift!
Some pastors are the worst. They keep telling sisters ridiculous things like,
"There are husbands on this pulpit. Come and grab yours."
"This is your year to marry"
"Go and buy a wedding gown and pick a date" – that's to someone who is not courting anyone oo.
Like you rightly said, marriage is not a criteria to enter Heaven!
Lol. I see you Sis.
Hahaha I see you, sis!
Abi, apart from disdain, I wish there wouldn't be pressure. That is the hardest. Even when they don't dare say it out because they know you will flip out, which is worse coz you know they are thinking it.
You feel the pressure, the questioning glances, wondering what the problem is and if it's you, the anxious glances, some even go as far as gossiping amongst themselves. It's all very annoying. As if marriage is a criteria to enter heaven.
Some will come and meet you, are you praying about it?
Hmmm! No. I was just waiting for you to remind me to pray about it. You know! Because God appointed you as my prayer reminder.
Most annoying are some pastors, exes and friends. Let me not write a post jare Precious.