THE FOUR SEASONS OF A MARRIAGE

This is when your love for each other is fresh and glowing. You are the only tomato in your spouse’s Jollof Rice. Your heart goes jarakijam when you see your partner. You are so in love with each other. Your love blossoms like beautiful flowers. It is evident everywhere you go. You thank God 2777 times  every day for blessing you with the best spouse. You never want this season to end.

Here you feel slightly uncomfortable but there is still so much fun to feed on. The flowers are still there but you know what? When plants are not watered in the summer, they die. My slowly but surely dying garden in front of my house can testify. Ha! You notice faults in your spouse. The heat is on. She can’t understand why he would press the toothpaste in the middle of the tube and not from the bottom. He can’t understand why she talks too much. There are bills to be paid, there are responsibilities to attend to. The spontaneous lovey dovey phase is over. It is still fun but the love isn’t as spontaneous as it was during spring. It requires some effort and intentionality.

Now the heat is gone and you are beginning to feel quite cozy again. However, it’s not really the way it was at spring. You are adjusting, trying to blossom but the leaves are falling from the trees. You look good together but you are not quite happy.

Angry that spew out of your mouth. This is a really dark moment in your marriage. You feel disconnected from your spouse. You are constantly irritating each other. You wonder if you still love each other. It is in winter that marriages crash easily. It is a season filled with hopelessness. Winter can be a hard place to be in but no matter how long the winter lasts, the spring must come! It won’t last forever. 

The Bible tells us about the sons of Issachar who had an understanding of the times so they knew which course to take (1 Chronicles 12:32). This is why I believe God is reaching out to you with this word of truth. It is the truth that there are seasons in your marriage and you need to understand that whatever you are going through is just a phase. Don’t make permanent decisions in a temporal marital season. You can’t keep wearing winter coats in the summer. You have to adjust to each season accordingly. This is how to maximise every season:

– In the spring of your marriage, spend as much time with your spouse as you can. Exchange romantic messages. Give each other back rubs and massages. Hold your hands and pray together. Prayer might be the last thing on your mind in this season because it is all cozy and sweet. You might not feel like you “need” God but trust me, you need Him. It is time to build a bank of prayer. Also, if your spouse is not the praying type, it is easier to get him/her to pray with you in this season. Speak positive things into your marriage. Feed on the word of God and gather some strength so you don’t faint in the day of adversity.

– In the summer of your marriage, learn how to ignore. Do not sweat the little things. Pick up the shoes your spouse kept in that weird place. Be selfless. In a time like this, it is easy to let little things spark up a big flame. Focus on what you can give rather than what you can receive. Forgive before your spouse hurts you.

– In the fall of your marriage, don’t give in to the looming gloom. All might not seem well. All might not seem favourable. The future might seem bleak but you have to keep a positive mind. Focus on what you have rather than what you do not have. Focus on what is working in your marriage rather than what is not working.

-In the winter of your marriage, do what Jesus did when He went to the garden of Gethsemane. Talk to the Father. Scripture says He is close to the broken-hearted. Don’t pray on one end and keep hurting your spouse on the other. Be purposefully one with your spouse in the midst of it all. This sometimes means losing yourself, ignoring hurtful things and valuing your marriage above all else. And always remember that spring will come. Don’t give up just yet.

Dear friend, I do not know about you but let me tell you about me. Sometimes, I give up easily. I try to back out in the heat. I try to run away from anything or situation that doesn’t feel good to me. I always want the springs in my marriage to last forever but the seasons change. When that happens, commitment is hard. But if your marriage must thrive, you have to stay committed both in the good and in the bad times. If you keep looking for the exit door, you will hardly fix anything.

When I look at Mr N, I am still happy we are together. I have happy we have faced winters together because, after those winters, we had the loveliest springs.

Here is the ultimate thing!

To spend eternity with God.

What shall it profit you if you gain the most respectful, romantic and reasonable spouse yet you lose your soul? Nothing! In all these, our eyes should be on our ultimate goal which is to be in Heaven where there are no nights nor tears. In that place of light, there are no undesirable seasons. When we focus on this one thing, we wouldn’t lose sleep over things that do not matter. Like how he flung his socks across the room. Ha!

To marriages that last!

How else can we handle the seasons in our marriages?